I haven’t been blogging much more than recipes lately. The truth is that this has been an extremely difficult year for me to navigate due to my body having an autoimmune response to a viral infection. I have tried to keep myself busy in the kitchen and around the homestead as much as my body will keep up, but between getting sick earlier this year, struggling to recover, farm chores, and dealing with an adult daughter who suffers from mental health issues, most mornings I am doing well to even get out of bed.
I became sick in January with what I assumed was the worst case of the flu on the planet. My twelve year old daughter had just been diagnosed with the flu in December, so when I got sick I didn’t bother going in for a flu test. I figured I would just ride it out in bed and be back to normal within a couple of weeks. Unfortunately that is not what happened.
I am currently waiting for my appointment with a rheumatologist because even five months later, I am still not back to normal. My body has nearly shut down from whatever I had in January. I would be willing to bet, at this point, that what I really had in January was the Covid-19 virus, but since getting tested for that was not an option in January, I can’t really know. Regardless, my body has decided to react with an autoimmune response to a viral infection, and I am being referred to a specialist to see what to do next.
At this point I am feeling a little defeated. I have worked so hard to create a life out here on our little farm that I love. Gardening, goats, rabbits, ducks, chickens… lots of chickens! Being outside at our little farm has always been my happy place, and right now I am terrified that I am going to find out from the rheumatologist that my body may never get back to normal. I love all of my animals and our life on the farm, but I am struggling to keep up with the day-to-day list of chores that a farm requires.
I have also had to make some really hard decisions about letting go of people who mean the world to me in order to be able to continue taking care of my family. Unfortunately I have learned a very difficult lesson this year. Just because you love someone so much that it literally aches, that doesn’t mean that it is healthy to have a relationship with them. Sometimes you just have to learn to let go in order to have peace. Sometimes all you can do is hand over the people you love to God.
It’s hard for me to put all this out there. Sometimes the truth is not always rainbows and butterflies. This year has been difficult for a lot of people due to the Coronavirus pandemic, and we are all fighting to find our new normal. Life may never look the same for any of us ever again. But one thing I am extremely thankful for is my husband and my teenage daughters! I know I would not have made it to the month of May without them.
As we head into summer not knowing what the future holds for any of us, we are clinging to one another a little bit tighter. I have learned that there is nothing our family can’t endure as long as we are in it together. Time heals everything, and I am so thankful for the blessings that God has given me. I may sometimes let fear get the best of me, but I know better. This year is not even halfway over, and there is plenty of time to turn things around.
Hopefully I will get some positive answers from the doctor that I will be seeing next month. If not, I will take it one day at a time and figure out what changes need to be made. I am a firm believer in the fact that God allows us to go through things because it prepares us for something He needs us to be ready for. He has shown me this multiple times in my life.
I have allowed myself to lay around and feel sorry for myself for as long as I can. It is time for me to fight to get things back to normal… or at least a new normal. I am so thankful to have a life filled with the things and the people that fulfill me. The garden is thriving, and that means lots of fresh veggies to fuel my body with, which I have a feeling is going to be the only weapon I have to use during this autoimmune response to a viral infection. We all have challenges to face. This year mine just looks a little different than normal. I have withdrawn a lot, but I will not allow this to defeat me.